Down and Out

How to accurately sum up the 2012 year thus far? Hmmmm, accessing memory banks for precisely the right word. . . PAIN. Yes, dear reader, 2012 has been a year chock full of pain thus far. Some may not know that I had my tonsils removed last Friday. Some may also not know that this procedure, while very common and relatively easy to endure for children, can only be likened to the yet-to-be discovered 10th circle of Hell in Dante's Divine Comedy for us adults. . .

It is official- Kate Holley is down and out. I had hoped to use my recovery time for writing and reading and editing (oh my!) but I can hardly see through the foggy haze that my pain medication induces. To this end- before I forget- please excuse any glaring typo's, or grammatical issues, in this post. I thought that since laughter (or in my case since laughing actually is painful right now, humor) is the best medicine. To keep my spirits up, here is a list of a few things you are told before having a tonsillectomy, and the actual translation of what the doctor is saying:

1. You may have some mild swelling in the back of your throat and uvula.  Translation: Holy lawd- you won't be able to talk coherently, or even open your mouth, for several days, and your uvula will be so swollen that it will block your breathing and actually lie on the back of your tongue. . .  Now, if you have read this statement and think that I am discussing something related to female genitalia- please google the word "uvula"- it's not what you think ;-)

2. You may have a slight discoloration of the mouth and throat from the cauterization process. Translation: Your throat will look like moldy cottage cheese that you inadvertently found in the back of the fridge while looking for something else.  You will also smell a burning aroma, and yes, that is your throat and mouth you smell. Thank you cauterizing.

3. You may have to limit your food intake to soft foods such as ice cream, pudding, mashed potatoes, etc. Translation: You ain't gonna wanna eat nothin, my friend! You will be lucky if the smell of food, combined with the amounts of pain you are in, doesn't make you severely sick to your stomach. Ladies- for the first time EVER you will be told to load up on as much ice cream, pudding, and soft carbs as you can possibly eat!!!!!!! Yeah . . . The only problem is that you will shudder at the actual thought of mastication and forcing these foods down your poor, wasted throat.  To this end, I have been on a diet of Gatorade and chicken broth.  Anything I can get through a straw.  That is, until yesterday, when the chicken broth turned on me and made me gag upon smelling it.  I have now graduated to ice water, skim milk, and cups of yogurt.  I can actually open my mouth wide enough now to get a baby spoon in it to eat the yogurt with: WINNING!!!

4. You may lose a few pounds over the 2 week recovery period! Translation: starving is even LESS fun when you are in immense amounts of pain.  Thus far I have dropped 6 pounds in 6 days. As someone very familiar with dieting, I can honestly say that I have never been more dissatisfied to lose weight!!! Perhaps they operated on my brain too while I was under because this goes against all things that society has ingrained into our female minds!!!

5. You may be a bit agitated for a short period after the surgery takes place, and during your recovery.  Translation: A BIG thank you to all of the people that have been taking care of me, and assisting with my 3 children, while I recover.  I normally have a pretty high tolerance for pain, but this has been worse than childbirth  in my opinion. Rest assured, I promise I will be back to my normal self (for better or worse, eh?) here soon. At this time, I will be apologizing profusely for my extremely short fuse as of late, and swear that I will lovingly attend to all of the claw marks I may have given you during my drugged-up pain stupor. XOXOXOXO!

In conclusion, I can only say that, after this ordeal, I hope to never again have month long sore throats, colds that I can not rid myself of, stinky tonsil stones the size of the "California Raisins", and unexplained throat swelling again after this surgery.
Perhaps they saved my extracted tonsils. . . I may have the urge to dip them in gold platting and wear them as a badge of courage! As always, thanks for reading!